You are my neon sky

There are many things I’d like to say to you but I don’t know howwwwwwwww

because maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves meeee

——-

but just not now.

——-

It’s been truly difficult for me trying to weigh good and bad and ignoring the bad. This is where I’m at. I need you in my life, honest to God I do. I need you in my life, probably more than most people will realize. I love telling you about my accomplishments and I love hearing about yours. I need someone to appreciate my humor, but others can do that too.

I just don’t feel like now is our relationship time. Do you know what I mean? Like, a few months ago— we were together but no not reallly and I sorta talked to you and you sorta talked to me and I still loved you and you still loved me. I think that’s how it will always be. I think a bajillion years from now I will still love you, and I’m not mad at myself for that. And I’m not mad at you for it either. Can’t people grow up and still love each other but not be together? Isn’t that possible? 

Am I a bad person for being so wishywashy, yes and no, stay, please go, now’s our time,oh wait I lied?

I truly hope you don’t think I am. My guess you don’t. 

I love who you are and I love what you mean to me.

Please don’t change who you are, and happy valentines day.

- deja


I must say

Speaking of my little visit to see you… 

I was really crazy for doing that. It’s not like me. I rebelled, and I rebel any time I think, want, love, or see you. 

And you know that, you know the situation. 

My mother, my guilt, etc etc can not have us together. Technically we aren’t.  We’re not allowed to. 

I told you earlier before that I’m always so scared. And that I’m just ( well, let’s put it this way, there are things I don’t even tell my therapist ).

That’s also probably why I don’t talk to you ( or anybody else for that matter ) about my therapy sessions.

I’m really truly a mess… when I let it get to me. It’s gotten to me.

So for this reason I think I’m doing crazy stuff…. and if I’m making the wrong decision then so be it, I fucked up. 

I don’t think it’s anybody’s business to tell me what I can or can not do because they JUST DON’T KNOW. 

And there’s nothing wrong with that, duh, it’s not like they’re me or know how I feel or what I think all the time. 

you want to know what’s going on.

ok.

here is is.

Seeing you made me very confused. Can I do THIS again. Can I handle losing my mom. Can I handle losing her? I’m scared. I’m scared of that, do you understand? Do you get where I’m coming from?

I was talking to someone before I saw you that weekend. 

I couldn’t help but compare different scenarios in my head… back and forth back and forth. Pros and cons, cons and pros…

I’m just so sorrry I’m such a wish washy person. I can’t make up my mind, for what I want, or for what I don’t.

 I can’t choose between making myself ( and you ) happy, or by making myself ( and my family ) happy.

 I deal with guilt and grief so horribly, I mean sure I seem fine but it really gets to me ( you know this ). I’m sorry I sound redundant.

It seems ridiculous, I know, but give ME a break. 


imagine the scenario
»
I am in the living room, reading a book in my pj’s.. you come home from work, it’s late at night. you ask me how my day was and I say to you as casual as can be..” I made you a cake”. you’re excited so you go to the kitchen to see what i made as you walk in and see this on the table with other hints.

….
oh yes. i’m going to be quite the magnificent wife.

imagine the scenario

»

I am in the living room, reading a book in my pj’s.. you come home from work, it’s late at night. you ask me how my day was and I say to you as casual as can be..” I made you a cake”. you’re excited so you go to the kitchen to see what i made as you walk in and see this on the table with other hints.

….

oh yes. i’m going to be quite the magnificent wife.

(Source: clitorium)


my day.

I slept in. bad. with a truly horrible morning. Today at school, there was a blood drive. My club was supposed to set up something to get donations and such… which we wound up getting regardless of what I did/did not do. anywho, so, since I slept in and since I have noelle over thurs-sun and she has late start… i ask my motha if i could go with her. and that wasn’t a good choice because, oh yeah, today was the blood drive and i was supposed to set everything up and do everything by myself and since i was irresponsible and i ‘dont care’ i was in deep shiiiit. so. my mom left me. 

whatever. because eventually she got over herself and things went fine just like i knew they would anyways. 

overreactions piss me off.

my day didn’t stay bad though i’m happy about that, i think that’s important to add.

later, I gave blood. my second time. i’d say i’m a tough cookie.. i really DON’T like giving blood. but i do anyways because it’s good, and also, there are incentives. but needles. gah those things= heebie geebiez. but, the lady maura told me my iron was really good and that i had good blood pressure so i’m happy about that.

later later i go home to drop my stuff off/get ready and i go out with noelle. my mom is out with her ‘friend’ and she gave us money to go out. we went on a baaaaby shoppping spree to say the least. it was pretty fun. actually, can i say something? i really don’t know why i’m writing in such small sentences.

it’s faster i suppose.

hmm what else. oh i ate hamburgers and fries at that place 5 guys and saw my old friend L.G. that I knew way back in 6th grade. He was pretty chill. it was cool seeing an old pal. Noelle liked him so that was awkward. anywho.

if you want to know what i got.. basically just some black stud sparkly earrings that i looove. also, a sparklyish headband, also that i looove. and some hair products, and that hemps lotion that smells godlike. gah :o

hmm what else what else. on the way home noelle and i stopped by a redbox and picked up that movie called the girl with the dragon tattoo. we watched it, well actually. i watched it and noellle was just in the room on her phone. which, whatever. that’s her deal. 

i realize how much more i appreciate thing in general when i compare my self to her. it’s odd.

also, i forgot to mention this earlier and its semi important. but, i ate del taco before coming home. i’m telling you theres not  a month that goes by where i don’t eat del taco at LEAST 5 times. that’s bad huh. oh well. YOLO.

gawd i hate that phrase. anyways……. i’m essentially just rabbling.

i’d like to know how your day went but unfortunately. it’s one in the morning. and i’d much like to sleep in. however!, on the off chance that i do stay up/ you respond in the morning or whatever. you can just talk to me. i really like that. c:

p.s. let me know if you got that snapchat!!

I love you till the day  the  our world ends. 

-dej


twinfools:

ftmark:

marxisforbros:

linesinbetween:

So Brad totally talked about this in an interview, saying that Shiloh prefers to be addressed by all the family as John (and if anyone calls ze—I guess, I’m not sure if there are chosen gender pronouns yet, so I’m just going to use ze/zir—Shiloh, ze’ll be all “it’s JOHN OKAY?”) and prefers traditionally “masculine” things like swords and boy clothes etc., and he and Angelina don’t care because they a) recognize that not all children are the same/follow traditional gender binaries and b) they love John no matter what so it doesn’t matter to them what gender ze is. Which I thought was awesome/adorable.

Love them so much.

so
awesome
omg

I’m not nessesarily a big fan of Jolie, however I will say this: If my mother had done for me what she is doing for Shiloh/John it would have saved me a a childhood full of frustration, numbness and confusion. I would not now look back on 19 years worth of life and wish I had been able to LIVE IT. Instead, I spent 19 years pretending to be someone else. I can’t help but feel robbed. Why do we tell children who they are? HOW can we tell children who they are?
Parents, please, LISTEN to your kids. Embrace difference and know that you are raising your children right by allowing them to be themselves and loving them unconditionally.

twinfools:

ftmark:

marxisforbros:

linesinbetween:

So Brad totally talked about this in an interview, saying that Shiloh prefers to be addressed by all the family as John (and if anyone calls ze—I guess, I’m not sure if there are chosen gender pronouns yet, so I’m just going to use ze/zir—Shiloh, ze’ll be all “it’s JOHN OKAY?”) and prefers traditionally “masculine” things like swords and boy clothes etc., and he and Angelina don’t care because they a) recognize that not all children are the same/follow traditional gender binaries and b) they love John no matter what so it doesn’t matter to them what gender ze is. Which I thought was awesome/adorable.

Love them so much.

so

awesome

omg

I’m not nessesarily a big fan of Jolie, however I will say this: If my mother had done for me what she is doing for Shiloh/John it would have saved me a a childhood full of frustration, numbness and confusion. I would not now look back on 19 years worth of life and wish I had been able to LIVE IT. Instead, I spent 19 years pretending to be someone else. I can’t help but feel robbed. Why do we tell children who they are? HOW can we tell children who they are?

Parents, please, LISTEN to your kids. Embrace difference and know that you are raising your children right by allowing them to be themselves and loving them unconditionally.


complain

I need to have something in my stomach. I have not eaten any real food since yesterday at around 3. and since then I have turned in shit school work, felt horrible, mega super super awfully horrible due to cramps, and made my mom a baby bit upset. aaand I’m cold and want to do nothing but I need to do work because thats what a good kid would do and I somewhat care about my grades but my cramps and my hunger aaaand my love for tumblr. and my love for talking to A certain( yes this is you) reader. 

mergasaurus. 

oh and also I’m going to try to donate blood again tomorrow but I’m scared for that.

holy balls.

on a good side note though I got a perfect psych essay and I know that prom this year is at san clemente beach. so thats all cool.


my love.

I know that you make my everything feel beautiful.

You make my imperfections feel beautiful. You make my flaws and insecurities feel like nothing. You make me feel invincible. You make me feel emotions that don’t have proper descriptive words. You make me feel like the funniest girl you’ve ever met. You make me feel like the cutest person you’ve ever laid eyes on. You make me feel great, more than great, alive.


To have the confidence to say such statements is a beautiful thing in itself. The sheer fact that I have some one on this earth that I can say is responsible for these^^^ statements is still astounding to me. It’s rare what we have, and I also know this to be true. I am also sure as ever that we will have the most lovely future. I have a feeling that life will take us both where we both want to go, and whatever we do choose to do— it will be precisely what we were meant to do. Just like us. It’s just meant to be, and how happy happy HAPPY that makes me.

More than words can express, my love for you grows ever stronger…

- Dej